How I Came to Make My First Million: Children's Music

Let's do this. Let's make news. Let's make haste (and note that this was a draft on Monday, but finalized Wednesday night).

I'll make toothpaste and sell it to the coincidentists 'cause that's what this shit is: coincidences for those lacking the cool adhesive of common sense; the tangible tracker that holds it all together.

So, last Friday, I was happy. It's the minor things that hold us together. I may listen to an abundance of music in the minor key, but sometimes it is all I know and the source of my persistent existence. I like music; music likes me. I'm critical of music; it's critical of me.

I finally figured out the simple solution to eliminate the need for my elderly iPod and my iPod classic (ironically, the newer- 160gb capacity iPod), by means of eliminating a program and updating a few things. Sure, it took some time, but now I use one program (iSproggler) to track my music listening habits. Subsequently, my iTunes works a bit more efficiently, which will cut down the time I spend on simple tasks (loading music, selecting songs, etc). Either way, I have plenty of room for my ever-expanding musical repertoire, and that pleases me. To celebrate, I began the night blasting Blitzen Trapper's Wild Mountain Nation whilst I played Super Mario Galaxy and drank a couple large glasses of rum & coke. I've obtained 37 stars in a few days! I'm on my way to defeating King Koopa (Bowser) for the 354.39th time in my lifetime!


Hey, I made it. I'm the world's greatest.

Yes, that's right. I was just listening to Bonnie 'Prince' Billy cover R. Kelly. I do these sorts of things. Go ahead. Try me. I could write circles around your silly faces. Perfect circles.

Okay, so here's the long and skinny of my original story:

Well, in the past, I've had silly experiences too. Should I really be exploiting these? Sure. It's not like I have any sort of dignity. So, awhile back, I was informed the morning after by my dad that I hung up my belt on the key hook. Plus, last night, I went a tad crazy while I was walking with Jeff, Matt and Kevin around maybe 4 or 5am. Somehow, I had acquired a sole battery and repeatedly pulled it from my pocket and tried to press it as if it were a laser pointer. It wasn't. That's just what I wanted it to be. While not quite as misinformed, last Friday, I managed to pull off a few silly things:

1) I hung up my jacket over top of my leather jacket which was right next to an empty hanger.

2) It was pointed out to me that I had slept with my shorts on backwards.

3) I had left my iPod on shuffle all night in the car (from 2:20am until 11:52am or so when I stopped it from finishing Animal Collective's "Safer").

Now, I never use shuffle, and my iPod was shuffling all night without me. So, does my drunken shuffle say anything about me? Well, it did play a few Animal Collective, Radiohead, Modest Mouse and the Mountain Goats songs. So, it says that I have a decent quantity of each aforementioned artist. Plus, it played Sufjan Steven's "It's Christmas! Let's Be Glad!" and the Flaming Lips' "Christmas at the Zoo". It wasn't even Thanksgiving yet, but much like many retail stores, my iPod wanted to tell me that it's Christmas season again. What does my iPod want me to buy now?

Well, I was in Panera before work Monday. They were playing Christmas music. It's not Thanksgiving yet, and you are NOT a retail store. The purpose of playing Christmas music is to remind shoppers what they're buying for; tis the season. So, why is a restaurant spinning these tracks so early? Are people giving month-old leftovers as Christmas gifts now? Hurray, leftovers; they're hotter than the Wii! Of course, you have to microwave them first.

Another silly point: Jeff's roomie, Alicia Crook, had her credit card stolen/lost at Rockne's. This isn't even the first time it has happened. Isn't that just a morsel of ironic?

I'm working early early morning on black Friday for the 5th consecutive year. Oh boy! We've had much debate as to whether we'd match our two-day prices, or even the six hour ones. Well, here's my answer to this problem: Sure, we'll give you cash back. In fact, we're implementing a new system based on psychological themes of our thought processes. We know even though you haven't actually purchased the TV, you've spent a lot of time deep in thought. We realize that 'time is money'. We here at the City of Circuitry have done the calculations and have come to a precise dollar amount per hour: $171.36. Therefore, since this is a six hour special in question, you multiply that amount by six and that is what we owe you. Thank you for time well spent.

Now that I'm nearly graduated, I figure it's time to put an end to the hypothetical mathematical figures and figure out how the hell I'm going to pay off my outstanding debt. When I say outstanding, I don't mean, "Man, this debt sure is great!" No, I mean it's a large amount compared to what I can afford. Plus, I believe it's at least a ten year commitment. Shit. I can't even adequately manage a ten month commitment. At least they afford me some leniency like an on-off relationship. I've always wondered what it would be like to have a relationship akin to the dynamics of a light switch. Oh, the power of electricity!

I was talking with my English (the YSU major, not the country) friend, Laura, about Disney and the art of making children's music. I may not be talented enough to pen adult, thought-provoking music, but I could surely put together an album for children. Why not? I even came up with a hook for my first highly-hyped hit: "I'm on the thought train, choo-choo cha-choo-choo!" Oh glory day, I can see the screaming children now, every one of them aching for more from the Planet Pluto. There's nothing better than giving children brainless, albeit catchy, music and the message that Pluto is the shining 'unofficial planet' we all hold dear to our hearts.

I could do what Laura's sister currently does: she delivers babies. Ding-dong, here's your baby! Sign here, thanks! It's always bad news when friends/family/lovers discuss work, especially when that work involves stories such as cutting the umbilical cord with the wrong scissors. Good story, what should we have for dinner?

Okay, so, to avoid punishing potential friends and family members alike, I will not pursue such a job position. I will not deliver babies. I could apply at Disney World! That's my dream! I could portray Pluto, or Donald Duck, or Daisy Duck, or Goofy, or Max. But, I hear the coveted position is that of Mickey Mouse. Gee willikers! I've been practicing the perfect pitch for his signature laugh- 'ha-HA!'. I'll come for the interview, nail the laugh, and they'll ask, "Okay, perfect! But this is Mickey Mouse, the pinnacle of your career as a person in a suit. Many employees have strived for decades to play this role, and you have the chance to secure the position if you have anything original to contribute to this legendary character. We need pizazz. What've you got for us? Anything prepared?"

"Well", I'd respond to my future employer, "actually I do. I've been working on this little number for a week, here, let me hit you with this: I'm on the thought train, choo-choo cha-choo choo!"

Employer: "That's it! The job is yours! All of your dreams have come true, and what better place for it to happen than Disney World?"

Okay, I really need to go catch Z's. They are elusive things that hang out in the back of alphabet lists, but you have to wade through 25 other boring letters first.

PS: This is what the alphabet would look like if Q & R were kicked out. -Mitch Hedberg (paraphrasing)

A bite-size, morally flexible web-log for you to chew on.

embark and disembark.

the world is a frozen lark of your otherworldly landslide.

and, i'm embarassed to be alive.

so, let's have a lawsuit party on behalf of the universe!

i'm not sure what i'm doing anymore.

i'm going to be completely honest with you here: i'm insane.

at least i'm with the 'in' crowd.

what does it take for me to be happy already?

someone save me. it seems i'm incapable of doing it myself.

DIY is for chumps and idealists. srsly.

I hate vowels.

in my religion & moral issues class, some question the linear pattern of the sign-in sheet. they assert, "I thought it was being passed down."

"no, it's morally flexible."

this blog is as incohesive as can be. please, forgive me.

let me tell you some things to listen to:

if you've not already, delve into Aphex Twin's Selected Ambient Works 85-92. if you can't figure it out, it's sort of like ambient music!

then, try the 2-CD set of cover songs for the Bob Dylan biopic, I'm Not There.

then, sway to the electronic grooves of Swayzak's Some Other Country.

once you've finished, you can come back and spew hate at me for potentially the worst blog I've ever written. i deserve it, yeah? i might have to step up my game if i intend to do 'english things' after graduation.

i think i need a change of scenery.

anyone have a good landscape desktop?

oh, and if you're not a myspacer (or, don't want to admit it [i don't blame you]), then here are some highlights of my recent survey. and yes, the bands are fabrications of my mind:

1. If you could take credit for writing one song, which would it be?:
"How Far Is Too Far?" by the Habitual Hackartist's Golden Galaxy Blues

3.If you could play one sport perfectly?:
Calvinball!

5.If you could own a house in another country, which would you choose?:
I am going to spin a globe and point at a place: Tibet

7. If you had to choose one candy you could have from now on, which?:
break me off a piece of that... da da da .... damnit, what is it?!

9. If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?:
kareem abdul kit-kat bar

12.If you could have one car, what would you choose?:
definitely not the 17-mile-per-gallon beast that circuit city wants to give away because it cares about the environment

21. What's one song that you hate?:
"I Want to Jump Your Bones Like I Jump Trampolines" by the Mysterious Purse Snatchers

22.What's one song you secretly love?
"Time Isn't on Your Side, It Hates You and I" by the Clock Bearing Tick-Tock Timebomb Clausterfucks

63.Name one song you could sing all the way through even without it playing?:
"Land of Forgotten Rhyme" by Dinosaurs Eat People, Don't They?

68.What movie makes you cry the most?:
Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco

77.Favorite Theme Park?: Jurassic Park

80. Did you like this survey?:
why, was it asking about me? yeah, i think it's cute! tell it i'm interested.

oh, and here's the bulletin i posted to promote my last poem:

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: Michael T. in 2-D!
Date: Nov 9, 2007 3:03 AM

grab your dictionary and head on over to:
http://theplanetpluto.blogspot.com/

and, if you can tell me what i mean, that'd be awesome.

this poem, "Desire of a Vampire" (2007) goes along with other similarly titled poems I've written in past autumns:

"Diary of a Zombie" (2004)
"Footnotes of a Ghost" (2004)
"Summary of a Mummy" (2005)

and, unfortunately, this might be my least favourite of the 'series'.

i guess i could always re-VAMP it.

har har.

get it?

no?

shit.

------------------------------
Then, my friend & the man who invited me to OiNK before it was shut down, Adam James, responded to the bulletin:

You cant stop now!

you still need;

"A Personal Grooming & Style Guide" by Mr. W. Wolf

and the most anticipated;

"21 Steps to Get Off the Bottle & Stay Dry" by Mr. S. Mann

Is losing his touch. Is not making sense enough.

"Desires of a Vampire"

is sheltered
is alone now
can talk
can't comment
is sequestered
a myth
miracle
intangible
boy wonder

boy, wonder where he went wrong?
sit
let us begin
have word
think back
suppress
depress
channel your fear
tunnel your unconscious with this miner's hat and toss a bomb in

is longing
is alone now
can't wait
can't complain
does anyway
begs pardon
a point of reason
space-time continuum

before long, you will come back again
note that
fifth dimension
day dreaming
night stalking
between me and you
can I borrow your notes?

is afraid
asleep
a liar
a bete noire
have a drink
a point of interest

shouldn't combine conflicting stimuli:
actions and reactions
depressants and antidepressants
sound and silence
passivism and violence
state of nature and the state zoo
maybe even
me and you

isn't listening
does anyway
is counting on
fifth dimensions
a quiet living

is awaiting
the loud conclusion
the silent punctuation
the tone deaf truth

A web-log that lacks substance (abuse).

Do same-sex couples hit each other?

If so, is the aggressor the one that assumes the masculine role?

Please, somebody hit me;
I should be studying behavioral psychology,
not constructing my own questions.

I'm the one who must produce answers tomorrow.

Can I do it? Do I know it?

No.

I want to know you. What's your name?

No, forget it. You'll forget me.

Then, I'll have to remember to remember to forget you forgot me.

I need something to really make me happy. Not just for those brief moments of patented lunacy compliments of Michael T.

No. Not those. Sure, I can sort of dance like a chicken with its head cut off.

That's not the point.

Maybe Mario Galaxy will be the answer.

I am a nerd. I should be reading, writing, bettering myself.

And, all I want to do is defeat Bowser...

IN SPACE!

IN RAINBOWS!

(ahem, this is abuse of web-logs everywhere; i've finished).

How to emote silence when your insides are screaming and be convincing.

Oh, stars.

Oh, infinite universe.

"Oh, you're so silent Mike."

Well, maybe I am.

Maybe I am.

(Answer to web-log title: cut your hair, get a job; because you're never going to write your way out of this one.)